In the Inner Navigation training with Lorella Ricci, we are currently delving into what could be called "unblending" - disidentifying ourselves from habitual patterns and familiarizing ourselves with the various aspects of our own and collective reality. These are the parts that animate our actions when we blend with them. If you know me or Lorella, this is not a process that we approach using our minds; the way I see it it requires going deeper than the mind can reach, into the realm of our internal sensations.
I am absolutely fascinated by these beings that reside within us. It feels as though I have sensed them throughout my entire life, but for a long time, they were not acknowledged or reflected back to me (or I never learned how to navigate this realm of internal sensations), so I rejected them to the best of my ability.
Before I share about this particular aspect that I came in contact with today, let me explain what happened first:
Yesterday, my calendar malfunctioned, erasing all my appointments. Today, in addition to the calendar issue, I am realizing that my computer needs more storage space or it will not function properly. On top of that, there are numerous other tasks, appointments, and information that I need to manage. Plus, my apartment is in disarray. Furthermore, the kids will only be with their dad for one more day, and then I will have them for a week, making it challenging to do anything other than fulfill my parental duties and work. At least, that's what a part of me believes...so I feel pressured to fix everything in one day!
With all of this weighing on my system, I began cleaning one of the rooms in my apartment while listening to the "Unblending" meditation that we are currently practicing. And here’s the part that I came into contact with:
She believes that everything will go wrong. Eventually, everything will slip out of her control and fall apart, and she will be solely responsible for it. She works tirelessly to prevent this from happening, but deep down, she knows it will eventually crumble because the task is too immense. However, if/when it does fall apart, it will be devastating, so she desperately tries to avoid it. As she cleans, she does so as if her life depends on it.
As I eventually slowed down and tuned into her, it was as if I could see a being that has been trapped in darkness for a very long time, or perhaps forever, rendering her blind. Her eyes do not work, and she cannot hear or sense making it incredibly difficult to connect with her. She continues to toil tirelessly in her darkness. No one can reach her and tell her to stop because she is incapable of receiving the message. She could never comprehend the idea that it is okay to not work so hard. She firmly believes that she must work hard
every
second
of her life.
She is imprisoned in a dungeon where she exists and labors without light, tirelessly and relentlessly.
As I watch or feel her from a distance (this is done through the body) I feel an overwhelming sense of love for her, regardless of whether she is able to feel it or not. And I can feel the distinction within my body between feeling love for her and the moment when she begins to affect my actions...when I am about to blend with her...
I believe that I also sense one of her dreams. Amidst her blindness and her tireless work, a tiny dream resides within her. If one day, she can gain control of all these tasks, she would love to use her time to play the cello instead. However, this dream is quickly overtaken by another part that insists she must then work excessively hard in order to become skilled enough to earn money from playing the instrument. But this part's dream has nothing to do with becoming better at things or making money; her dream is simply to experience the pure pleasure of the moment to moment experience of playing the cello.
I will continue to explore this part of me that believes she must work extremely hard to prevent things from falling apart. She feels incredibly familiar to me personally but I can also feel the ancestral heritage as well as the collective. Often she seems very real, as if I frequently blend with her. Therefore, it feels somewhat daunting to unblend and not follow the accustomed path of working so intensely (because what if everything then falls apart!).
This is a part of myself that I particularly do not want to dominate when it comes to my work and business as my work and business aim to explore paths towards remembering our true selves and our inherent ability to move and be moved by a source beyond our conditioning.
I believe that the key to that way of living lies in embracing all these rejected parts through delving into the place where they reside - our bodies.